News: Media Kits: Living Well Week
News Article
March 12, 2006
Dealing with sibling arguments
Writer/source: Diane Bales (dbales@uga.edu) 706/542-7566
Sibling rivalry — competition and arguments between brothers and sisters — is common in many families with two or more children. Most brothers and sisters argue, disagree, or compete at least occasionally.
"I wanted to play with the Legos. Give them to me!"
"I had them first. You can't have them."
"Do arguments like this sound familiar?" asked Diane Bales, a University of Georgia Cooperative Extension human development specialist. "The relationships siblings build are important for many children. Siblings teach each other valuable life skills as they grow up together."
More than eighty percent of children in the United States grow up with siblings. The actual time siblings spend with each other during their early years of life is more than the time they spend with their parents, and sibling relationships usually last longer than any other personal bond or attachment.
However, conflict happens occasionally in all relationships.
Here are some of the most common reasons for sibling arguments:
- Attention. Many children who argue are seeking attention from an adult. Children who cannot get your attention in positive ways will find negative ways, such as arguing or teasing a sibling. And if you respond by yelling or mediating the conflict, you actually reinforce children for arguing.
- Companionship. As children get older, they look for people to spend time with. When a sibling does not want to play, his brother or sister may annoy him just to engage him.
- Power. Like adults, children want to be in control of their lives. Children learn to assert themselves by challenging each other and their parents.
- Problem-solving difficulties. Solving problems is a skill that develops with practice. Young children are not good at sharing and taking turns, and they may not know how to solve disagreements when they arise.
- Bad days. Children are more likely to argue with their siblings when they are tired, hungry, frustrated, stressed, or bored.
Here are some ways you can teach your children to get along and handle conflicts:
- Be a role model. Handle conflicts with your spouse calmly and rationally. If you can solve a problem calmly, without quarrelling, your children will learn to do the same.
- Acknowledge children's feelings. When conflict happens, let children know that their angry or frustrated feelings are normal. But set limits on how they can express their anger. Hitting a pillow might be acceptable, but hitting another person is not.
- Avoid comparisons. Try not to say things like, "Why don't you get better grades like your brother does?" or "Your sister is so coordinated, and you're so clumsy." Recognize each child's unique skills and talents, and help them see what is special about them.
- Spend time with each child individually. Children who get to have some one-on-one time with you will have less need to argue in order to get your attention. Reading together, getting ready for bed or going on a walk together are chances to give a child your undivided attention.
- Ignore mild quarrels. Resist the temptation to jump in and solve your children's arguments. Giving them time to solve things may help them learn how to solve their own problems. But stop fights if children are out of control or someone is in danger of getting hurt.
- Teach children to negotiate and compromise. Learning how to share toys and take turns will help teach children to negotiate. Help them listen to each other's side of the argument. Have them suggest ways to solve the problem, encourage them to choose a solution together and then help them carry out the agreed-upon solution.
"Remember that sibling rivalry is common and can be handled," Bales said. "Children don't want to be treated equally; they want to be treated uniquely. Compliment children when they solve problems on their own. And remember to be patient — getting along with siblings takes practice."
(Diane Bales is a UGA Cooperative Extension human development specialist with the College of Family and Consumer Sciences.)